Zelda How To Guide
by Haninator
Summary: Based on a fic for DPS that Billy read to me over the phone. It's your ultimate guide to doing stuff the way the Zelda chars do!
1. Go on a Roadtrip

I was very bored so I decided to write this. Billy was reading stuff like this to me and I was inspired! Zelda makes me amused, so here ya go!

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Chapter 1 How to go on a Road Trip Like Zelda Characters

Darunia: Sit in the backseat not caring that your immense weight causes the bumper of the car to drag along the road.

Nabooru: Look like a total freak while pressing your face against the glass and count how many people respond (positively or negatively… the more negatives, the better).

Saria: Sing random songs with Malon until your throat bleeds.

Malon: Sing very repetitive songs with Saria until you can't breathe properly any more.

Ruto: Cling to Link until he stabs you to death.

Impa: Laugh when Ruto gets stabbed.

Rauru: SLEEP like the old man you are until the car stops. Then pretend that you remembered everything everyone said during the car trip.

Dark Link: Torment everyone in sight and blame it on Link, though no one will believe you.

Ingo: Complain about how lazy Talon is… basically do what you always do anyways.

Talon: Ignore Ingo as usual while you take a brief nap, then wake up to find that Ingo has launched into another story to tell how lazy you are and when you register his comments, go back to sleep.

King Harkinian: Ignore all that happens around you and randomly talk about "dinner" and how the "peace is what all true warriors strive for". Don't forget to annoy Link by repeating "mah boy" over and over again. When Link punches you, take it as a cue to get louder.

Princess Zelda: Drive like a maniac until either Link or the King yells "don't drive angry!" at you, or drive like a grandma until they scream at you to drive the speed limit. Either way, you win.

Link: Remain completely quiet and stare out the window intently while listening to your favorite song… not on any musical device (including iPod), but remembering it as it plays in your mind until Ruto starts clinging to you. Stab her until she lets go (which means until you kill her) and resume the intent staring. When the King starts annoying you, give him a nice punch in the face and pretend nothing happened. Resume quiet staring. When the King talks louder, take it as a cue to hit harder until you eventually knock him out so you have the peace that "all true warriors strive for". As always, resume staring out the window and for a change of pace, hum your favorite song softly. When Darunia asks about it, tell him that he's hearing things and resume humming. Remember to smile in that spacey way.

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Well, this was amusing. I like Link's the best. "Stare out the window intently" I can actually do that for road trips… if I don't have anything to read along the way. XD Yes, I would hum my favorite song (New Divide) while staring out the window. I hum that, Zelda stuff, and Star Wars stuff randomly and sometimes I don't even realize it and begin to wonder what I'm humming. O.O What was your favorite part? Review please? Link wants you to REVIEW!


	2. Make Toast

Hey, people! What's up? Here we go with another chapter of insanity known as the Zelda How To Guide. Here goes! The reason why Ganondorf wasn't in the last chapter was because there wasn't enough room for him in the van… especially with Darunia weighing down the back of the van. XD Just think about what the other drivers are thinking with Nabooru and Link staring out the windows and the bumper of the van dragging while Zelda drives like a maniac! XD

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How To Make Toast Like Zelda Characters

Darunia: Grab as many pieces as will fit into the toaster at once and set all the dials to the same number. As soon as they all pop up, spread an insane amount of butter over each and waste no time in stuffing them in your mouth.

Nabooru: Set the toaster on a setting that gives the bread an even brown color. Spread either peanut butter or cinnamon over it (NO SUGAR!) or both and eat it in a half-delicate way. (Somewhat quickly, but by all means, DON'T pull a Darunia, for goodness' sake!)

Saria: Dye the bread green with food coloring and stick it in the toaster just long enough to get it warm and slightly crispy. Put some grape or strawberry jelly on it and eat it carefully.

Malon: Play around long enough to make some of the egg mixture that is used for French toast and dip the bread in that. Fry it in a pan until the egg stuff is cooked and pour maple syrup on it (after you put it on a plate, of course!). Eat it with a fork.

Ruto: Use the toaster to get the bread warm and slightly crispy. Spread some fish paste on it (Link just LOVES the smell of fishy breath (NOT)) and eat it, regardless that everyone else thinks that the fish paste is disgusting.

Impa: Toast? Who needs toast when you can make PANCAKES?!?

Rauru: Stick the toast in the toaster and fall asleep. Wake up after the toast is cold and wonder why it won't melt the butter you put on it.

Dark Link: Leave the toast in the toaster until the smoke detector rings. When everyone plugs their ears, yell that it was Link's fault. When no one believes you, pull out your toast and eat it even though it will burn you. It tastes best fresh.

Ingo: People actually EAT toast? Steal a pancake from the ones Impa made and STILL complain that Talon is lazy.

Talon: Do what Malon did, but use the remnants of her egg stuff. After the egg is cooked, put it on a plate and put ketchup on it instead of syrup.

King Harkinian: Make garlic toast for DINNER even though it's BREAKFAST time, and then wonder why you have nothing to eat for breakfast. Talk about the "peace all true warriors strive for" and "dinner" until everyone leaves.

Zelda: Put the bread in the toaster until it's a light golden brown. Pull it out and put a small amount of butter on it. Put a small amount of cinnamon and sugar on it and eat it daintily, like a princess should.

Link: Who needs toast when there's bacon?!? After everyone else is done in the kitchen… and you've had your morning cup of COFFEE (If you read Link's New Adventure, you know what that means! ;D), start frying some bacon. When Ruto offers you some fish paste, refuse as only you can "Gimme fish paste and I'll cut ya in half" and draw the Master Sword. When she backs away, resume the bacon-frying. When the bacon is done, hijack one of Impa's spare pancakes. Drizzle the syrup on and start eating it only to realize that you didn't put enough syrup on it. Add more and when you're done with the pancake, eat the bacon. If you get bored, dip the bacon in the leftover syrup on your plate.

Ganondorf: BURN the toast and take a piece of the leftover bacon that Link fried. Burn it or stick it in the microwave for too long. Put a crazy amount of orange marmalade on the toast and put the bacon on top. Eat your mutilated creation.

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This was really random and I had writer's block on Talon. :O Anyhow, I figured out something and here ya go. Link is still my favorite. He's got the craziest ones (ideas). I got kinda sick of typing about toast and couldn't think of any other ways of making it, so that's why there're pancakes and bacon. Mmm. Bacon… um… just tell me your favorite part. Thanks. That's what the review button's for. XD Hugs for reviewers! Hmmm. I should really do a Star Wars version of this. Tell me your favorite one!


	3. Play Video Games

Well… the concept for this chapter was given to me by Starlll, so thank him for that. *claps* YEAH! Okay… anyways… here goes another chapter of the insanity that I call my Zelda How To Guide!

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How To Play Video Games Like Zelda Characters

Darunia: Play Eatsa Pizza on Mario Party Three until you want some of the stuff yourself.

Nabooru: Play something involving Ninjas. Lots and lots of NINJAS.

Saria: Play Rock Band and of course 'cheat' through the songs by just wordlessly singing the right notes.

Malon: Do the same as Saria, but actually say the words.

Ruto: VIDEO GAMES? As long as you get a necklace for playing them (or a kiss from Link), you'll do your best.

Impa: Call of Duty is your game, hands down. BLOW THEIR HEADS OFF!

Rauru: Your grandkids always talk about 'em, but you've never played any of 'em because they make you nervous.

Dark Link: Play Star Wars Battlefront Two. Make sure you choose the Imperial side and knock the heads off the 'Rebel scum.'

Ingo: Play Ocarina of Time and complain about Ruto's laziness. Then go into Lon Lon Ranch and complain about Talon as usual.

Talon: Play Super Mario 64 and leave Mario standing there. When he falls asleep, follow suit.

King Harkinian: Talk about "dinner" and the "peace all true warriors strive for" as you kill everyone in Lego Indiana Jones as the title character.

Zelda: Play Lego Star Wars and laugh whenever you pull the arms off of a Stormtrooper as Chewbacca.

Link: Who needs to play Ocarina of Time? You lived through it and Nintendo decided to make a video game out of it. You prefer to play Super Smash Brothers of any type. Besides… Princess Peach deserves a HUUUGE punch in the face for calling you a fairy boy in a skirt. When Ganondorf makes the CGI you jump off a cliff, jump him and KNOCK HIM OUT using the infamous throw-down attack from Brawl.

Ganondorf: Play Ocarina of Time. When Link walks up and asks what you're doing, tell him you're playing Ocarina of Time. When he laughs about the agonizing defeat you took, tell him that you love watching him jump off cliffs. Be sure to demonstrate this at that time.

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This was fun to write! I got the Ganondorf part from a cartoon I saw on the internet. I actually have done what Saria's is. My grandma inspired the Rauru one. I like Link's 'cauz it's funny to see him vengeful. Princess Peach gets on my nerves ALL the time, so I beat her and all the other people that annoy me into pulps on Super Smash Brothers. (Marth, Roy, Ike, Peach, Olimar, Game and Watch, SONIC, Ice Climbers, PIT, and Diddy Kong) GRRR! (Link owns them in battle and in looks. LOL! :D) Sorry, guys, Link is just mah fav!


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